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Letter to America from John Cleese
Interesting
To the citizens of the United States of America, in light of your
failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective today
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II resumes monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah,
which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for
the 97.8% of you who have, until now, been unaware there's a world
outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America. Congress
and the Senate are disbanded. A questionnaire circulated next year
will determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. Look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Check "aluminium" in the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you pronounce it. The letter 'U' will
be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise
you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
Look up "vocabulary." Using the same twenty seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like"and "you
know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed."There will be no more 'bleeps'
in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with
bad language then you should not have chat shows.
2. There is no such thing as "U.S. English." We'll let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will
be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u'.
3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas
such as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.You
must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England.
The name of the county is "Devon."If you persist in calling
it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires"
e.g. Texasshire Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save
The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.
5. You should stop playing American "football."There's
only one kind of football. What you call American "football"
is not a very good game. The 2.1% of you aware there is a world
outside your borders may have noticed no one else plays "American"
football. You should instead play proper football. Initially, it
would be best if you played with the girls. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American
"football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
You should stop playing baseball. It's not reasonable to host an
event
called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside
of America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls'
game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy
team stripe, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
6. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns, or anything
more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because you are
not sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you need
a permit to carry a vegetable peeler.
7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be
a new national holiday. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is
for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts,
and you will start driving on the left. At the same time, you will
go metric without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts
and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't French, they're Belgian though
97.8% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe)
are not aware of a country called Belgium. Potato chips are properly
called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in
animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which
should be served warm and flat.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Only
proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer." Substances
once known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred
to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," except for the product
of the American Budweiser company which will be called "Weak
Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as
manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic)
to be sold without risk of confusion.
11. The UK will harmonise petrol prices (or "Gasoline,"
as you will be permitted to keep calling it) for those of the former
USA, adopting UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon, get used to
it).
12. Learn to resolve personal issues without guns, lawyers or therapists.
That you need many lawyers and therapists shows you're not adult
enough to be independent. If you're not adult enough to sort things
out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, you're not
grown up enough to handle gun.
13. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
14. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated
to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese
[Basil Fawlty,
Fawlty Towers,
Torquay, Devon,
England]
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